take the STPM.

i am serious. yes, every year you see news of top scorers plastered all across newspapers, but let me tell you, those are certainly superhumans, not something that a commoner like me can ever be compared with.

all my life before form 6 could be categorised as smooth sailing. i took test, sometimes i aced them, i played, i studied, i cried when i was stressed out... but nothing ever made me feel as worthless as the STPM.

every test serves nothing but to sink my spirits... Pn linet probably thought she was being kind when she scolded us for not taking our studies seriously, that we should be revising and we played along, telling her how, "no, we haven't done anything" but that was a bloody LIE.

There is not a single person i know ( with the possible exception of Shy Jer) that didn't work for this test. i worked harder that i have ever worked in any period of my life so far, and my reward for my efforts???? A miserable 62/100, 68/100 after adding my monthly test scores. I smile, grin even. say "it's just a test", but inside i feel about as happy as a pig pulled to slaughter...hoves dragging on the ground...

Throughout my life so far i have perfected the art of telling people i haven't worked for something... it's hypocritical, but it was a twisted way of self preservation. like convincing yourself and telling people u don't really want something somehow made rejection easier to bear... but let me tell u something....

I really worked hard for this test, chemistry especially. i was confident that i had studied hard... but u know what i find out? the highest score in my class is a 59. and thats not even ME!!!!!!!!

call me self centered... call me a bumptious bitch.. but rejection hurts, and self-worth? it's not overrated.

STPM has robbed me of what made me. I am no longer FUN, just a depressed, nerve-wrecking, sick. psychotic bit**, and i apologise.

p/s: not many people read this blog. the few who do, i think of u as my best friends. so excuse my ranting...